This week I have continued to feel strong, healthy and not be sick - But today is one that crept up on me and when I realised what it could have been I felt an urge to open up about why. So here goes...
For those of you closest to me you will know that last year my health was the worst it had ever been, I had glandular fever for close to 4.5 months and biopsy's performed on lumps that were appearing on my neck (reactive lymph-nodes that flared up so quickly that they have now scared) from my body trying its damndest to stay healthy in a stress fueled environment. Looking back I think this is a big part to play in why this next story I'm going to share with you happened and its wasn't until I had a forced break from work and a long summer to recover that I realised how truly unhappy my body was and I have gained a whole lot more respect for it now!
Very few of you will know that this week was actually meant to be the due date of our first baby, but last year I suffered a missed miscarriage (an early pregnancy loss that your body doesn't recognise as such and continues thinking and developing as if its pregnant). I thought I would open up and share this experience with you as its not something that is openly talked about and I do understand why as its a very traumatic experience and the automatic responses and reactions from people don't tend to help - "Something was probably wrong it's natures way of telling you" or "It happens to heaps of people, you'll be ok" but maybe if it was something more openly discussed this wouldn't be the case? Because truth told it does happen a lot more than you think, but when you become the statistic that doesn't mean a single thing - You're still broken and wishing it wasn't as common because it's something no family should ever have to go through.
I was lucky enough to have a close knit group of those around me that helped the tears flow, the recovery less painful, the wounds start to heal and the smiles breakthrough - And I want each and every one of you to know that I honestly couldn't have done it without you, no matter what you were going through you were all beside me 100% and that I can never thank you enough for. I'm so proud I have you all stand beside me in life Nic, my family, the Fels family, Amber (God send), Meeks, Alf, Jonesy, Laws & Veitch...Thankyou x
My mumma - She was there beside me the whole way holding my hand and just being with me. I know it killed her to see her first baby go through this and she wished she could take every ounce of pain away for me and us, but its this strength that I have inherited and more than she will ever know helped me push through and be strong for her and Nic also. She was our rock and mum I know you'll be reading this so thank you for being everything to us in those dark times and helping us rebuild the rainbow.
Below is a musing I wrote when it all happened so its extremely raw and open, written over the sleepless nights, between the emptiness, numbness and tears but I think it sums up what we went through and how truly you can love something so much as early as two pink little lines appearing. We have come out the other side stronger and with a more raw outlook on life...Those you love and the life you want come first - look after it and don't get caught up in this rat race of a world too often. Cherish who you are and what you have. All of this adds to myself and Nics story and as a team we are so excited for this next chapter, to become parents and we have all previous experiences to thank for that.
I've been really calm this pregnancy (of course the nerves come out at certain milestone stages like our first scan because of what happened last time) but weirdly its just all felt right and like we are in the right place :) If any of you have been through this or have someone you are supporting through and want to chat know my door is always open, as it shouldn't be something so taboo to talk about and we especially as women should be supporting each other in every way we can.
-A x
Musing from 2017:
It's amazing how things can change in 24 hours.
You go from feeling excited, on top of the world, content and ready for the future. It's the first day we will get to see our little baby; take pictures home for daddy and hear the heartbeat for the first time. I sat in the waiting room with my mummy laughing about holding a full bladder, discussing your crib and how we would start your time in the world. 30 minutes later things changed, I went quiet and a little lost, there was no heartbeat and we couldn't really see you just yet so hopefully in a week we would. Surely my first little baby is just hiding from us all snuggled inside.
Fast forward 24 hours and my midwifes take on the results changed it all. I put the phone down and just went numb, cold and couldn't spit it out. The scan next week had turned into more of a confirmation that you would be gone, not growing rather than a bit behind schedule. I'm strong and I know I am so prepare for the worst but hope for the best, we'll know and hope that it has to be a miracle. My heart breaks, how could in 10 short weeks our future, excitement and little baby be taken just like that? That's something I will never be able to answer and I will always remember.
So for now it goes back to being just me and daddy, I will hold you for likely another week and then we will say goodbye and start to build our family again. Thank you for the short journey but all that you taught us and made us feel throughout - you will always live within my heart.x
I will hold on to hope for now and take whatever the next step forward is when the time comes.